Wednesday, March 23, 2011

There comes a day when we think that we know everything: 
We Don't. 

A friend commented on my post about relationships between men and women so articulately addressing the unfamiliar grounds of understanding 'on the other side of the fence.' This is what he said...
*to be clear, the view from a man who in the past has been a hopeless romantic, unable to fathom the inner workings of the female mind (perhaps that still applies in the present), and who is by nature a monogamist, never a cheater or man-whore, always in search of the 'girl next door'. 

The short answer to your question is yes, but it's complicated and it takes a while to get there.
Perhaps there are two narratives that one must overcome to have a true realization of themselves in the context of a relationship:

1) For women, it's overcoming this notion of the attraction to the unattainable, wanting what you can't have. I'm not sure of your own views on this cliche, but in my experience it has been true.
2) For men, it's overcoming the notion of the girl next door (in the metaphorical sense). This idea is our ultimate downfall as we yearn for a relationship with a female counterpart that is by essence, friendship. There is no reciprocal, guy next door for a girl, there are only Trip Fontaines.
Both of these narratives are the cause of a lot of the complexities in the courting phase, where a man will develop a friendship with a girl and the curiosity of a potential relationship grows from the idea of having found his 'girl next door'. The female on the other hand sees it only as friendship, nothing more because availability doesn't equal attraction.

It's overcoming these narratives that is the struggle in our youth. Not only that, coming to the realization that these should not even exist and thus changing your very nature in following the narrative.
500 Days of Summer showed us the fantasy and reality of a protagonist on verge of his last chance to win back the girl.

We (both females and males) have a tendency to dream of a world where the people around us are actors in a grand play, and we are both the protagonist and the director. The truth of the matter is that everybody is their own character, no one is an extra, and we cannot expect people to live their lives according to our imagined realities. (concept from Synecdoche, New York - Charlie Kaufman)

On that note, I think that is where males find difficulty in continuing a friendship with a girl who he had thought would lead to a more intimate relationship. This disappointment from the male-perspective (see asterisk above) stems from the dream not coming true and his girl next door simply being what a girl next door is, a friend. Perhaps the way a male approaches this is based on age/experience but everybody is different. In the cases where one cannot continue that friendship, it's because this disappointment is too much (depending on how big the crush was) or in the unfortunate scenario, where the value of the relationship was to seek intimacy (or platonic urges from within their trousers) went unfulfilled, and the purpose is now lost.

Again, through age/experience one learns to be able to redefine the relationship, understand the reality and let go of the imagined world. The simple fact is: some people will love you and some won't. It's not something you can direct, you can't make the choices for others - you can choose to lose out on the potential for a great friendship, that is if you even realize that's a choice open for you to make.
- Thanks Mike!

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